CEO Idolizing Julius Caesar Also Stabbed to Death by Personal Assistant

Tech founder and Roman Empire enthusiast went out the Caesarian way.

CEO Idolizing Julius Caesar Also Stabbed to Death by Personal Assistant

ROME, WI—Startup founder and well-known Julius Caesar admirer Mark August was found dead in his office, brutally stabbed by his personal assistant, Bruno Hernandez, sources at STN confirmed.

"It all happened during a team bonding activity where August asked us to share our favorite piece of Roman weaponry and explained why he personally loves the gladius. I mean, who the fuck knows what a gladius is, right? Do you?" said eyewitness and product designer Julie Mays, who was googling 'Is your equity still worth anything if the founder is dead?' during the interview.

Another eyewitness, lead engineer Jack Lowe, testified that he clearly saw Hernandez stab August mercilessly after that. "August seemed frustrated when no one participated and was muttering 'What would Julius do?' under his breath. That’s when Bruno snapped and stabbed him from behind."

During interrogation, Hernandez insisted that the stabbing was not entirely his idea, claiming it was planned collectively by the other 60 employees and that he was the "fall guy."

"All 60 of us agreed to stab him. Warren from HR even recommended everyone purchase Cutco knives for the stabbing as a way to regain 'financial freedom' and 'be our own boss,'" said Hernandez, who admitted that his employment was largely due to the difficulty of finding someone named "Brutus" in Wisconsin.

Hernandez mentioned that most of the employees were fed up with August's "Caesarian" antics and his obsession with the famous Roman emperor.

"I told him about the finance team’s warning that we only had three months of runway left, and he just sat there, silently looking at his copy of Marcus Aurelius' 'Meditations', and said to me, 'This is just like the Gallic Wars, Bruno,' and stopped there. What the fuck does that mean?" said Hernandez.

As of press time, forensics teams were still puzzled by the excessive number of stabbing wounds on August’s body, totaling 23 separate wounds.